The world is in quarantine. Or at least we're supposed to be. Different countries handle it differently and Sweden is very laid back still, but I can't risk anything. I live with my mother who's in a double risk group and I don't want to infect her with anything.
Life feels like it's standing still.
I don't mind isolation, I often choose it myself anyway, people exhaust me. But this isn't as much of a choice, and the loss of control is getting to me. Majorly.
I miss going to the gym most of all. I need the endorphins. I need that time to myself where everything else is blocked out and I just use my body for an hour.
Yes, I _can_ exercise at home, but it's not the same thing. It's the whole ritual of getting on the bus, listening to music for 45 mins and looking out the window, walking to the gym, swiping my card, being in the locker room, doing my workout and just being not here. Where I am all the time now. In my bed. In my room. Constantly online because I need to feel connected.
The best thing I have right now is the night. The night sky, the night air. I walk around the neighbourhood for an hour or so, I've found the perfect spot for looking at the stars, and I go to the playground and sit on the swings for a bit. Just to clear my head. To have that time to myself that's outside of the walls of the house.
Studying has become difficult. It's weird, because nothing has really changed. My courses have always been online, but now everyone has to study from home, and the lack of living outside of home makes everything a blur. Makes things feel unimportant and I can't make myself do anything anymore. I hate it.
Today I've been anxious.
I worry about what this will all mean. About what's going to change.
I'm scared that things I really need to happen won't ever get the chance to happen. And I don't know how to deal with that.
Outside of my head everything is pretty much okay still.
It's just hell on the inside.
I'm going to write here daily, I need to get my thoughts out. I need to have this to look back at. Whatever future awaits.
