... ouch

It hurts so bad, and I miss you. The only thing is... I'm not sure which "you" I mean anymore...

"Sometimes I wanna escape and the pain sets me free. Dark, forbidden feelings fill me. This pain is nothing, compared to everyday..."

Once again I'm drifting away, telling whatever I'll tell here in English... why?
It seems I can't cope with reality so.. I go inside my own safe world, everything isn't perfect here... but atleast I'm in control...

movienight with the gang. not gonna complain.

actually, i'm not even gonna say why I feel the way I do. since, it's my fault too. Tomorrow will probably suck.. I dunno what I'm gonna do really.. probably just... "chill" ._. i've done enough chilling for a while. it's so boring. but...I should learn Angels of by heart (meaning the chords) n try n improve my singing.. It's so stupid, how I just let myself get all down n feel low... I could snap out of it if I wanted to. wtf... "if I wanted to" ?!?! yeah... wow. I complain about feelin down.. but, Im the one choosing to stay tht way :S

anyway..I'm at a point in life atm where... I depend on my friends for my happiness.. which isn't good at all. I feel like I'm back to my old leeching ways.. thts gonna cause major damage...especially in one friendship...

my automatic answer to the question "how are you?" is "fine"

well..maybe it is fine. i mean, why should i complain!? what in this world gives ME the right to complain about where I am in life ?? huh?

nothing.

i'm so ungrateful tht i dont deserve what i have.
yeah, im sick, so what? im not dying.
yeah, i had to quit school, so what? I have a school.
yup.. i might have probs elsewhere too, who hasnt?

im not different, people shouldnt pity me...!?

i shouldnt pity me.

god i am really lame, i cant handle life, so why was it given to me?

God... What is my purpose? I only feel I burden people. It's not like someone NEEDS me, not in a life/death way. Why do I crave someone to need me that much? Is it because I need them? Is it because I can't see any other reason for....existing?
Honestly, everyone I know had a life before me. A functioning life with friends and family. I dunno, maybe I'm a good friend to some... I don't deserve anyone needing me though. I leech. I suck happiness out of others, I steal life. What have I got to give back!? Perspective on life? Ask anyone who's had a weird time growing up. I'm nothing special to the world and I can't see why I'm here. There are so many young people out there today, with loads of potential to become...anything. But they die. Get killed.... It makes me guilty sometimes. Here I am, blessed with life, with other greater human beings getting killed as I write this. And I complain? I spend my time complaining about things. I don't appreaciate. So therefore, I should take the place of one of those fantastic persons. My gift to the world...Dying so someone better than me, greater than me, can live.

Is that...playing God in a way?

I don't know. I don't mean to sound all, "pity-me-i'm-soo-emo" or anything, I just...see no use for me here. Nice thought to have stuck in your mind, when there's noone around to make you forget it.

I beg you God. Show me what I'm about, cause..I don't know how much longer I can stand this.

It hurts so bad.

xx /Bex