Why hello chaos.

I wish my brain would leave me alone once in a while.
These disgusting thoughts, these feelings of uselessness and catastrophic events to come.

It's rarely about me doubting someone else than me.
Doubting I'm good enough.
Doubting the picture you have of me will fade.
Doubting the real me is what you actually like.
Or love even.

I'm afraid I'll scare you off, I'm afraid someone better will come along.
I don't think you'll see it like that.
I'm just afraid what I think and see will eventually rub off and become your way to think and see too.

I'm scared that one day regret will be the only thing you feel when you look at me.

My brain keeps feeding my worries like this, thoughts I know deep down inside are stupid and aren't worth the time I waste on them. But at the same time they slowly grow, and if I don't do something about them... they will take over. And then I've ruined it all, and resentment is the only thing left.

I am also aware that I've caused this by not taking my medicine. And that these thoughts and feelings of anxiety will go away if I just swallow those damn pills every day.

My question is, for how long?
I've been taking them for almost a year now, and I'm more stable for sure...
But as soon as I don't bother taking them for a couple of days (and am alone like this) everything comes crashing down again.
I've been talking to my psychologist for almost 2 years and I don't have much to say to her anymore.

I just need to make myself believe that I'm worth good things happening to me.
That everything doesn't have to end in misery.
That someone could actually choose me above others.

And I wish I knew why I have such a hard time believing that.
I know I'm not a bad person.
I try my best in being someone I'd like myself.

I just... question it all when someone actually sees me the way I want to be seen.

"How can someone like you like me?"
"Why would you choose me above ... ?"

And the guilt I feel if I ask myself "why not?" when I've said things like that... I'm just really tired of never feeling I'm good enough for anyone.

Those feelings make me an ugly person.
I change in to someone who gives and does everything to a point where it just becomes ridiculous.
And that person is never the person you liked in me from the start.

What bothers me the most I guess is being excluded from someones life for so long, being able to pick up from where it all ended just like that... and THEN realizing you don't have a clue about what's been happening in their life these past couple of years. Not knowing anything about their aquaintances or how they connect.
I don't like not knowing, but at the same time it feels as though I'm a controlfreak if I have that need to know everything.

I am fully aware that I have trust issues, and based on, well, most of my life so far it's not really surprising.
I just don't want those issues, that have nothing to do with what's going on now in that way to ruin this for me.

I don't doubt love.
I just doubt me.

My ability to be what you see me as.

Maybe it all just takes time, time and a lot of talking.
But there lies another fear of mine.

Talking. About deep things.
I can talk and talk about all kinds of f-ed up things I carry around with me.
Things I've done, and so on.

But when it comes to questioning something in someone elses life, I'm like a clam.
I just shut up, close off and pretend everything's fine while it's actually eating me up.

Letting someone in, being vulnerable yet again despite all the times it's crushed me in the end...
I think that's the hardest.

And I'm working on it, just writing all this has made a difference.
Making my abstract thoughts in to something with... well, some kind of structure.
Getting it out of my head.

I can only hope that reading this doesn't ruin anything.
Because as I said...
It lies within me, my way of dealing with things and doubting myself, having problems with trusting and so on.
It's nothing you do, or are doing.

Just the combined forces of my past who enjoy making shit hit every fan around.

I'm okay though, I just have these outbursts.
I thought sharing them might make it easier to let someone in IRL...

We'll see.

All my love.
xoxox